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Post by pcliao on Apr 26, 2007 19:23:39 GMT 7
Dear all,
Some of you were not critical enough and were not able to notice problems in your classmates' essays. You should bear in mind what we have learned in class about good paragraphs and essays when you're reviewing other people' s and also your own essays.
Also, most of you didn't organize your ideas when you gave the peer reviews. Please note the suggestions I give below and try to improve your reviews.
1. Try to organize your comments based on the logical division of ideas such as "essay organization," "paragraph organization," "sentence structure," and "grammar and mechanics."
2. Point out your classmates' "specific" problems and errors by giving concrete support from their essays.
3. After pointing out the problems, you can also try to give suggestions about how to solve them.
For good models, please read Micki's, Yvonne's, Mina's (above in AA), Annie's, and Vernice's (in AC) reviews.
The five students mentioned above please post your reviews in your replies to this message. Don't mention the reviewees' name and article title. Instead, please use "X" to replace their confidential information. Thanks!
Jane
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Post by Micki on Apr 27, 2007 15:02:38 GMT 7
The topic of X¡¦s composition is ¡§X¡¨. She puts emphasis on the importance of having friends. However, the requirement of our composition is to write a comparison and contrast composition about Jamal and Forrester. Instead of comparing Jamal and Forrester, X uses them as examples to support her sentences. In my opinion, X should use Jamal and Forrester as the main story line to illustrate her topic. Maybe she can talk about what¡¦s the change after Jamal and Forrester becoming good friends, and have a comparison and contrast of the time before/after their encountering.
Her introduction is pretty well; maybe she could add more about the information of the two main characters. She can try to explain the relation between her sentence and two main characters. For example, ¡§¡Kpeople who don¡¦t have friends are more likely to live in his or hers own world¡¨. She can try to relate the sentence to the reclusive writer¡XForrester. Make a connection between them.
The body has the same problems, too; however, X has clear transitional signals that make her reader can prepare for the up-coming paragraph. But X can improve a lot after adding more about Jamal and Forrester.
As for her conclusion, I personally think it¡¦s too weak. X can have a brief summary for her readers and strengthen her personal comment. She can give us some examples that have been mentioned in her paragraph before and that will support her opinion. It will be much more convincing if she is pretty sure about her contentions. She can be persuasive and try to convince her readers.
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Post by Micki on Apr 27, 2007 15:09:44 GMT 7
X¡¦s introduction needs to be more specific. The general statement is not clear enough. Maybe she can add more information about the relation of the topic ¡§X¡¨. And she can illustrate the subtopic that she¡¦s going to mention about.
For the body of X¡¦s composition, my suggestions are as follow: First of all, X should not use quotation as the beginning of the paragraph. Quotations can be used as concrete supports for her ideas. It cannot be used as a topic sentence as well. X can illustrate her main point first in her topic sentence and give us examples or quotations to support it. Second, each paragraph in the body part should be focused on the specific subject. Avoid jumping subjects in each paragraph, because that might confuse her readers. In my opinion, X can narrow down the idea that she wants to talk about and finds out what is related to her topic. Third, she can use clear transitional signals more often. It can help X¡¦s reader understand the differences between her paragraphs. Furthermore, X can be careful about her punctuation and some fragment sentences. Most important of all, X needs to make her composition have unity, and focusing on the coherence.
Over all, X¡¦s composition needs to be organized and strengthen her main idea. As for the conclusion, she can restate her main points and add some personal comment. But I personally think she had done her best, and she can improve a lot after revising her composition again.
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Post by Mina on Apr 29, 2007 11:59:57 GMT 7
Comment 1
I think the essay that X wrote is very organized and clearly to see the main idea about what she wants to explain. In the introduction, it has a general statement and thesis statement to begin the comparison and contrast between Forrester and Jamal.
In the second and the third paragraphs, the differences are showed in an organized way (starts from their backgrounds and ends in their attitudes toward writing and life.) The topic sentence is clear to see at the beginning of each paragraph and it has the controlling idea in her description. The quotations and transition words are used smoothly. The format goes orderly one by one, and it has the topic sentence and concluding sentence in the body of the essay. However, the one can be emphasized is that the quotation can be used more in examples in order to make the supports more convinced.
In the conclusion, it has a summary of the subject, and the purpose of this essay is provided with clear sentences. But, when it talks about the great impact on one¡¦s attitude in the paragraph, ¡§¡Kone¡¦s personality can be influenced mostly through family background, and that can have a great impact on one¡¦s attitude that is hardly changed till the day you meet your mentor¡K¡¨ It only takes Jamal as an example to show how he has the effect on Forrester but neglect the part that Forrester has on Jamal. In this way, the structure becomes weird because the main idea is to show the differences between them. So, that would be good if the conclusion changes into a balance sentence. However, when it mentions about the part of having effect on each other, there are two ways to make it more supportive. One of it is to have another paragraph which shows up before the final conclusion; and the other is to discard this idea because the subject of this essay is mainly talking about the differences.
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Post by Mina on Apr 29, 2007 12:05:16 GMT 7
Comment 2¡¨
First of all, the introduction provides the basic statement about the different personalities and backgrounds they have, however, it should have a specific thesis to tell the readers whatever the way this essay is going to describe, so that it can accommodate to the title, X. Also, the following sentences in the first paragraph need to be more organized and let the reader know what the essay is going to talk about.
In the body of the essay, it lacks topic sentence to unite the ideas the author wants to explain. In addition, this paragraph uses transition words to separate three things about Jamal, but the transition words are not used coherently. As a result, the description looks like a bit in disorder.
In the comparison and contrast between Jamal and Forrester, the two paragraphs should use the same format. The author can make the sentences in order and describing their family, their friends, and their attitudes one by one.
The third part in the body of the essay is a description about how they help each other, but, I think this paragraph should add more details about how they become good friends and how they break through the fences they build to the world. In this way, the main idea will be obvious to catch.
One part should be noticed is the grammar. Like the sentence in first paragraph shows, ¡§X...¡¨Actually, it will confuse the readers about the meaning because it doesn¡¦t show very clearly.
Eventually, the main idea is pointed out at the end of the conclusion: how they become perfect match by forgiveness and respect. Throughout this essay, the supports to the main idea are provided with very few evidences and it is hard to see the connection between each paragraph.
I think X has a good title to talk about the relationship between Forrester and Jamal, however, the topic sentences and the concluding sentences in each paragraphs should be more specific and more related to each other. In this way, the main idea of the essay will become clear and easy for readers to understand.
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Post by Yvonne on May 13, 2007 0:13:11 GMT 7
The structure of Candice¡¦s essay is not very clear. First, general sentences are slightly inconsistent with the specific thesis statement. For example, to begin with, Candice said that Forrester and Jamal have different backgrounds and personalities, and later she told us that Forrester and Jamal have different attitudes towards their lives. However, she didn¡¦t give readers some concepts as well as interpretation about the correlation between backgrounds, personalities and attitudes. Second, every paragraph of the body in the essay has no clear topic sentence, so we can¡¦t understand quickly which points are discussed in a paragraph. Third, there are some mistakes like subject-verb agreement, verb tense, and relative words.Besides, some sentences are fragmental and pretty confusing. In conclusion, if Candice could add some more detailed supporting ideals in her article and watch out for grammar, I think her essay will become better!
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